The Mission Decision

There are many people who didn't know, but since about February, or March, I have been contemplating and preparing to serve a mission. It's been a long process, but I have ultimately decided to not serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

However, I want people to know why. The process itself has been a great experience and it needs to be recorded. (Plus, this is probably a more efficient way for people, who did know, to understand my decision.) If you don't care for the details and just want to get to the end, then just read the last 2 paragraphs. The details are mostly just for me anyways.

When I first considered serving a mission, I was probably on a little bit of a spiritual high and I was eager to keep my spiritual streak. I wanted to spiritually progress as much as possible, and what better way to do that than to serve a mission, right? Don't get me wrong, I still want to progress, but I feel less of in a rush to do so. I jumped into the process, getting the next possible meeting with my bishop to discuss paperwork. I got a new bishop that very Sunday, but it didn't stop me. He was just as excited as I was when we made plans to gain access to the paperwork. Since it was his first Sunday being called, he didn't have the necessary preparations. It was good though because it also gave me time to continue to ponder the decision before proceeding. 

The mission app photo

The pondering stuff was the tough part. I felt that I wasn't receiving an answer from the Lord as to whether he wanted me to serve a mission or not. Many people told me that both of my options (mission vs. preparing for marriage) were good things, but a mission would be great, or it's not required for me to go, blah blah blah. I knew all that, I just wanted to do what the Lord wanted me to do. Honestly, in my head, I became one of those people who would serve a mission if I didn't get married. Part of that could be because of my patriarchal blessing, but that's a bit more of a personal thing. But anyways, I didn't feel particularly moved towards any direction. Eventually, I was became exactly what I was trying to avoid - stale. From repetitive messages in church regarding prayer, I knew that I had to take action towards something, so I decided to continue working on the mission papers. I figured that I'd rather be ready to serve a mission if that was the eventual choice, than have to restart the process. As I was working on my paperwork I was actually pretty excited. At the end of April, I just needed my dental work to complete, then I'd be done with the paperwork. 

For those of you who have had cavities before...

I went home after the semester and had appointments arranged to get my dental check up. I expected a quick clearance with maybe a few cavities to work on, and that's it (I don't have wisdom teeth, so that wasn't a concern). Unfortunately, I had an infection under one of my molars. I ended up having to stay home longer as the process required surgery and drugs. During this time, I started hesitating about my decision and whether I WANTED to go. I even thought, maybe I just needed to go through the process to catch this infection before it turned out to be worse. Granted, I also lost my habits of scripture study and prayer, and reverted back to some not-so-good habits. So when I came back to Utah, I pondered more about what I wanted to do. I started to understand that the Lord wanted me to do what I wanted.

I believe I was at work when I eventually realized that it wasn't even a matter of whether I got married or not. I didn't really want to go anymore. I was scared. But still, more than anything, I just wanted to do whatever the Lord wanted me to do, and if the Lord wanted me to serve a mission, then I would go do it. I started to read my scriptures and pray again, and even though I didn't receive any answers for me specifically, I did my best to read with a humble heart, and I would find peace. For a while, I pressed on like normal, continuing to exercise my faith of knowing that I'd be okay as I trusted in the Lord. And as I pressed on like normal, I found that I would act as if I would stay here. I'd respond to my friends serving mission currently as though it wasn't even a possibility that I'd be on my own mission. This wasn't the determining factor, of course, but it was definitely interesting to think about. 

The determining factor really happened upon me within the last few days. My friend, Kris, was over at my place when he asked me, "What is the reason for you WANTING to get up every morning?" I couldn't answer. He wouldn't accept the answers of school or work, as those were "have-to"s. He encouraged me to find something I felt passionately about, that could keep me active and excited to get up everyday. I was kind of at a loss. Then later that night, my roommate seemed to be going through a hard time, and I talked to her. I did my best to speak by the spirit as I shared what I felt needed to be shared. During this experience, I realized that this was how I feel the most useful to the Lord. I don't know if it could be considered a reason for wanting to get up, but I want to be able to help the people around me. I know that I would be able to do that everyday for the people I meet on the mission, but I feel like I would be able to appreciate and be more effective for the people I meet in my ordinary, everyday life. When I initially felt these things, it felt good. I guess I just needed something really confirming it. That happened yesterday (Sunday) when I went to my friend's mission farewell talk. Now, usually when people attend a farewell talk, they might feel inspired to serve a mission or rekindle their post-mission work, or something like that. It's not that I didn't feel those things, but I felt that my mission was wherever I end up, not through an official call. Coincidentally enough, I had an interview with my bishop for the mission, and he wanted me to commit to something, rather than loosely receiving a call to serve a mission. I told him about how I didn't feel that I would go and explained to him how I came to this conclusion. I am really grateful for his support and for the spirit that was in his office. Everything felt right, and that I was going to be okay. 

I still don't really know where I will end up after the summer, but I know that I'll be wherever I'm needed as long as I continue to trust in Him. The Lord knows who needs my help, and whose help I need. He knows who I need to meet and what I need to say. I'm excited for my life and just knowing that the Lord is with me is a reason to get up every morning. I know that I left out some details, but throughout this process I've felt what it's like to be totally and completely alone, peer pressure, realizing my Heavenly Father's love for me, the blessings of the priesthood, and scripture power. I also had the great opportunity to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father as the decision was between me and Him, only. If perhaps in the future, He wants me to serve a mission, then I will go and do so, but I feel confident that I have other things I need to do here, as a member missionary and as an example. For those who are contemplating a mission, I encourage you to really contemplate it. Converse with your Heavenly Father about your concerns and excitements regarding a mission. Don't let yourself feel pressured by the people around you. Male or female, there will always be someone (and most likely more than one person) who will support you no matter what, and encourage you to do what you think is best for you. And hopefully whatever is best for you is decided with the spirit. Finally, for those of you who have already served missions (or not, and for whatever length of time), we hear it often, but your mission hasn't ended. Everyday is a mission, and whether your way of serving that mission is to preach the gospel, pull weeds for someone's yard, or care for others in some way, there's something the Lord would like you to do. Seek out what seems to be right for you and trust that the Lord will guide you to where you need to be.

Feel free to contact me however if you have questions about my experience, the gospel, or anything!